Paul's Comments

I don't know how many people read what I have to say, it probably amounts to less than 100, but there's always the future. I wasn't sure if I wanted to mention this, because I wanted to express my ideas to stand or fall based on their merit, rather than on sympathy for me. [Update:9/30/2008] I sometimes fear that the entire audience here beyond myself are the scammers and the spammers who look for holes to try and post garbage at my expense. Well, if that's the case, they're going to have problems because, due to their misconduct, I have had to lock down this blog and exclude all comments. Oh, and by the way, whenever I post an update message, it only applies to the remainder of that paragraph unless I indicate otherwise, the rest of the article has not changed.

But I have come to the point that I want to talk about this major issue, and to do so, I have to admit the issue. In an earlier article, I mention that I didn't want to explain at that time, what my problem was. I have decided to do so, now.

For about two years I have been wheelchair bound. If you looked at any of the videos I've done, you can see, obviously, that I'm fat. Basically, I wore out one knee and then blew out the other and as a result, my knees are not load bearing. I can use my feet and legs to move myself, I can transfer from a wheelchair to a seat on a public bus or taxicab, I can even drive a car if I can get into the drivers' seat.

But I want to talk about my disability and the problems I've had and solutions I have discovered. And I think it would be hypocritical or unbelievable to describe these things while not admitting that I have a disability.

What is rather amazing is that I ended up on Social Security Disability probably four years ago because of problems in my right hand (and my left leg), but I could still walk then. Basically I could not properly use a mouse or turn a doorknob, and maybe my hand is a little better, it's still in bad shape. If I use a mouse for maybe 1/2 hour to an hour I'll be in severe pain for many hours later. Plus all my other medical problems.

I'm not really looking for pity; I brought everything that I have upon myself, and I have paid, and am paying for it. I have paid, exorbitantly, for all of the disabilities I suffer, in full measure, doubled, redoubled, and doubled again. And I continue to pay, day after day. What I am looking for is merely the occasional help I get from people when I get in trouble, like when I get stuck while in my wheelchair and need assistance, or when I can't reach something. Other than that, I try as hard as I can to solve my own problems and live my life as best I can. I try, and that's all I really can expect of myself.

Could I have done better? Yeah, but it's all spilled milk; I don't know if I have the kind of personality to be the kind of - to put it bluntly - mean son-of-a-bitch that can be the "drill sergeant" type that gets things done. Had I had that personality I'd probably be a normal-sized guy who's married with a couple kids in some suburb working for some large company, instead of a disability recipient living in a rented room.

But I think maybe I have to decide to go that way because being too nice has sometimes left me being victimized or further disadvantaged. I don't like the "no more Mr. Nice Guy" strategy; I basically want to be left alone to go to hell in my own handbasket, but I guess I'm going to have to take action because of several issues. I'll probably go into this in more detail in a later article, because I think I'm getting off-topic and rambling too much.